I will be on hiatus for quite some time.

I won't be writing anything. Will come online on Facebook once a day kot, tu pun maybe guna phone je. Will only be using my laptop when in dire need.

I will still be contact-able through my phone. Guaranteed.

Will be so because this is my once-in-a-lifetime chance to start over. I'm not giving this up and I'm gonna put my 150% in this. Tolong doakan I'm strong enough to make it through, dimudahkan segala urusan, dicukupkan semua keperluan, dijauhi dari fitnah dan aniaya orang dan takda masalah dengan siapa-siapa. InsyAllah.

Bye. I'm off to prove myself. I have a whole new world to unravel and a long road to travel.

Loves.

please help me come up with excuses.

So, remember when I said I'm gonna start running on the threadmill? Tak sempat lagi. Sighs. Got back from Ipoh at 2.30 in the morning, habis running around 3.30, nak tunggu peluh kering baru nak mandi, 4.30? Alamatnya tertidur dalam peluh lah aku. -_-

The next day Mommy and Ayah made all of us woke up at 10 to go to Banting, an annual family gathering, which quite frankly I wasn't really looking forward to. Nak kata punya lah tanak, smpai sarung baju kurung warna hitam tak gosok sampai Ayah tegur cakap bukan mcm orang nak pergi beraya, mcm orang berkabung! And Mom insisted that I wear something more ceria-ish. It was hot, but I got to meet a lot of people and in a way, it made me think of how grateful I am that I still have family. People who care and a place I can call home. Where they don't care if you drive a Mini Cooper or if you have a Gucci bag. All they know and care about is that you're family and you stick together by hook or by crook. And that made it all worthwhile.

And I think many were shocked to see me. Ramai yang tak kenal pun dah okay! Because I was wearing a hijab and dah kurus (dulu gemuk mcm mana eh? :| ) And Mom kept telling me that some of my cousins were looking for me. Abg Illyas. Him and I used to stay over at arwah Atok's place during the school holidays and work and since ada kitorang je, despite him being 17 and me 9, we spent a lot of time together. Ye lah, takkan nak ajak Atok pulak pergi jalan kaki pergi kedai beli ice cream Paddle Pop Rainbow tu petang-petang and duduk menghadap tv siang hari kan? So I was looking for him and masa nak salam tu, I remember someone staring at me and was smiling and masa hulur tangan nak salam, dia literally senyum semacam and pandang aku and I was like, errr, kenal ke? Dah masuk kereta baru ''mana satu Abg Illyas?'' true enough, it was him. So, Abg Illyas, selamat hari raya maaf zahir batin yeeee. hehe ;)

Dan hari ni sangat penat okayyy. Terbangun sbb ada phone call and lepas tu dah try nak tidur balik tak boleh. Elok aku landing atas lazy chair sambil tgok CSI ayah ckp ada orang nak datang, tolong pergi kedai beli nasi beriani. Nak di jadikan kisah, semua kedai Melayu tutup lagi and kedai mamak pun takda nasi beriani. Semua tengah mood nak makan lontong lagi agaknya. So dah habis pusing satu Prima Saujana tu, balik aku memasak yeee. Okay fine lah sayur goreng je pun, tapi nak set table and what not and kemas balik everything, lemah lutut jugak laaaah.

Then I went to Giant to get a hair dye and went to Sate Samuri to get sate since ada lagi 6 kereta nak datang malam tu. Sampai pukul 12 lah orang datang. Potong nasi impit dengan kek layer Sarawak sampai terkopek kulit tangan sendiri. Serious tak tipu. Lepas tu basuh segala pinggan mangkuk tok nenek smpai kecut kulit. Almaklumlah, orang takda maid kan. Baru ingat nak naik threadmill tapi takpe lah, lutut dah menggigil dari pukul 7 tak berhenti buat kerja. Hopefully dapat burn calories di situ ya tuan-tuan dan puan-puan.

Esok kena bangun pagi, mak book potong rambut pukul 10 pagi. Nak hantar kerata lagi cuci. I like to drive, but I hate washing the car. Wahai bakal suami, minta ampun lah ya. Nanti I hantar carwash seminggu sekali. Haha. Then an open house at 2. Tu lagi satu hal, berapa tahun ntah aku dah duduk Kajang ni, pergi Mines. Boleh tak ingat jalan nak pergi sana? Rasa nak tanam GPS dalam kepala ni, susah sangat nak ingat jalan. Then pergi KLCC. Oh yeaaaah :)

Ohh, and berkenaan tajuk post. I have a feeling I'll be going out more often now. How do I come up with excuses supaya parents kasi keluar dan tak emo?

And on another note, I'm tired of hinting my dad for a blackberry that I blurted it to him petang tadi.

M: Nanti Ayah belikan lah Azwa BlackBerry satu.

A: Nak buat apa?

M: Laah, nak guna lah.

A: It's meant for businessmen, not kids.

M: Most of my friends have it. And they're not businessmen.

A: Well, it's not meant for them either.

M: Still.....

A: Ingat murah ke nak *inserts a technology-related-word-I-don't-know*

M: Apebenda tu?

A: Itu pun tak tau, nak pakai BlackBerry.

M: Memang lah, mana nak tau.

A: Hmm, so tak payah lah. Banyak cantek.

So, yes. There is the answer to why I don't have a BlackBerry. :)

Aaaah, I've been literally gorging down food and ballooning up like there's no tomorrow. All the dieting and the thread mill runs at 1 in the morning at least once every two days just went down the drain. 2 days of raya and I feel like I've put on more weight than before.

Mana taknya, malam nak raya we had rendang and ketupat and I think that is the most addictive food ever so that night alone, I had like 5-6 servings. That is easily equivalent to 4 days' dinner.

The next morning, I had another 2-3 rounds in the morning and then in the afternoon when I went over to my aunt's house, I had another round of ketupat, rendang kerang and ayam goreng. I dare not count the calories here. :| Ah, and please don't forget, obviously tak minum air suam dah lah kan. Carbonated drinks and air manis all the way lah, kata pun raya. Tak sah raya kalau air-air mcm ni tak hidang at least 5 jug.

And then we left for Ipoh that night and sampai-sampai, Opah dah hidang nasi minyak with Rendang Tok and daging kurma.

In the morning, when we started going round to relatives' place, makan dah tak payah cakap okay. I ate at every house we went because kononnya, I wanted to be polite. Orang dah hidang, takkan tak makan kan? At least rasa sikit (?). So at the first house, we had nasi beriani and ayam masak merah. So was the second house, and yes, I ate again although menu sama. Why? Because it's Raya, dammit. -_- And then at the third house, we had laksa. I'm not really fond of laksa, so I ate cookies. Lots of them. And by the time we were at the fourth house, I just couldn't take the nasi lemak and kuey tiow sup anymore. If I did, I would have thrown up at that instance.

We went back sometime at 6 and after Maghrib, we had dinner. It was the usual nasi, udang, ketam and ikan feast. Then, I had mihun goreng. And lots and lots of durian for dessert. Oh lupa nak cakap, I had 2 servings of mihun goreng and cempedak goreng for breakfast. Oh my, just writing all of this down, makes me go, Oh man, what did I do to myself? Lepas ni jangan kan kata nak run 2 miles, nak jog 15 minutes pun dah semput and tak larat agaknya. :\

All in all, it was an emotional raya. It was the first without my Atok KL and some other relatives who passed away all sometime near raya. But I met up with a lot of cousins I haven't seen for years and we had so many rounds of cards, everyone was so worn up that everyone went to bed early. These 2 days were fun and I can't wait for shopping now that my purse isn't so empty anymore. But first off, I'll have to cut down all carbo and sugar intakes and start running on the threadmill. If I go shopping like this, I don't think I'll be able to find anything that fits me and my friends will have the scare of their life seeing how fat I am now. Happy shopping, spend all that duit raya wisely ;)

It's the time of the year again.

Makcik-makcik dan kakak-kakak sila gulung lengan baju dan start memasak serta buat kuih.

Abang-abang dan pakcik, angkat kain pelikat tolong budak-budak nyalakan bunga api/mercun. :D

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri! Minta maaf zahir dan batin dari hujung rambut smpai ke hujung kaki untuk semua khilaf sama ada yang sedar atau pun tidak.

Semoga Syawal kali ini dapat menjernihkan yang keruh dan merapatkan yang renggang. InsyaAllah. :)

Be safe and have fun!

If wishes were truly to be granted, I have a few I'd give anything just for it to come true.

I wish that everyone would come together and that there will be no more dramas, back-biting and hatred. Just a better place for everyone to live in.

I wish that I was stronger. So that I would care less and not be emotionally drained by the end of every day. Just so that I can face everyone day in and day out and not be crying deep down inside because lately that's what I have been doing. I think that it has been obvious enough that my world is falling apart and despite the obvious need for love and support, all I am getting is the opposite. I can feel myself pushing away from the ones I used to believe would always love me unconditionally. It's not something I'm proud of, but I feel like I have to protect my own comfort zone which is cracking under the pressure which each passing minute, myself.

I wish that I would find inner peace and be closer to God. I feel the longing of knowing that whatever happens has a reason and that He will be there for me all the time, even when the whole world is turning its back on me. I want to be able to cry every night and talk to Him like He is there right in front of me. My world is tumbling down and its wall are crushing me, please don't let go of me now. I beg You, for You are the only one who understands how I feel and can grant me the courage and strength I need.

I wish that my world would start falling to pieces again and be better than before.

Believe it or not, Facebook is a global-wide, nation-wide addiction.

Bila bangun pagi, first thing bukak : Facebook.

Sebelum tidur : Facebook.

Tengah bosan : Facebook.

Dalam class bila lecture bosan sikit : Facebook.

Sampai ada yang smbil buang air dlm toilet pun bukak Facebook. Kalau rumah ada wifi laptop boleh tarik masuk, tariikkkk. Kalau tak boleh, tercengot-cengot kat screen handphone smpai kepala terpusing-pusing pun boleeehhhh.

To a level that I feel people would do anything to be the ''it'' girl/boy on Facebook. Adding complete strangers just so that you would have the most amount of Facebook friends. Status dramas, controversional wall posts, hot hot photos on Facebook. You name it, we've seen it all.

But all in all, I think everyone would agree that deleting someone off Facebook would be the last straw of ending a relationship/friendship. A few days back, I deleted someone I used to be really close with because we haven't talked for monthsss, just because he now has a girlfriend and at one point, I chose to end it because to know that your bestfriend chooses a girl over you, that hurts. And I found out this morning that the girlfriend broke it off with him to rekindle an old flame with an ex. Sacrifise in the name of love worth it?

And last night, I found out that someone who was really close with me, deleted me off Facebook. Yes, we had our share of arguments but I really did feel like we worked it off before I got back and what she did truly left me in a state of shock. Yes, I was sad. I called up a few friends and asked people if I should add her back or if I should call her. I really did want to know what I did wrong.

But having gone through hell, this past few weeks, *no, I'm not exxagarating here, people, I really had gone through a lot for a 20-year-old*, I realised that a friend is not who you have commenting on your statuses everytime you post something, or one that is in the bff box on your facebook profile. Its the ones that come over to your place at 11 pm just because you're not okay. The ones willing to call you up for hours through Skype/ mobile just so you can cry and tell them what happened, how you feel and what your fears are and in return, they let you know that things are going to be fine and they remind you of the simple things in life that matters. The ones who writes you note and still believes in you even when your own family doesn't anymore.

Looking back, I definitely have taken a lot of my friends for granted. Most of the time, we forget that fun friends aren't always the good friends. I may not have children of the richest people in the country to be my friends. I don't have the sociallites as my friends either. Neither are the cool people who get to buy whatever they want and don't have to even work a day in their lifetime. But I'm truly happy that I have my circle of friends.

The feeling of knowing that they know they can text me at 4 in the morning just because they're sad and need to talk to someone or call me up because they found out something about their boyfriend/girlfriend or just went through a horrible breakup. Just the feeling of knowing that someone really cares about you and you feel the same way about them and that they trust you and they know that you'll always be there for each other no matter what the time or where in the world we are, that's my definition of what real friends are. No point if you have thousands of friends on Facebook and that you get hundreds of notifications every day, but in the end, you're alone and you just don't have that soft spot to fall on to. That, is sad.

So, shred away all the negativities and start cherishing the little things in life. That, dear good people, is what I will start doing now. Tak ada dah nak sakit hati dgn si polan ni, nak burukkan si polan tu. Nak jealous sbb si polan tu ada ni, si polan ni ada tu. It's truly a waste of energy and time. It's never too late to let positivity and happiness in your life.

Ahlan wa sahlan bulan barakah yang membawa rezeki, dan syafaat buat smua.

Ramadhan Kareem, Allahu Akram.

Selamat menjalani ibadah puasa dan ibadah-ibadah sunat. Semoga Ramadhan kali ini lebih bermakna buat kita semua dan semoga dipanjangkan umur untuk berjumpa Ramadhan depan, insyaAllah. :)

I've never been so lost in my life before.

In all honesty, I don't even know how hope feels like anymore. 

A part of me wants to just pack my stuffs, catch the next flight back home and start all over again.

But another part wants to stay and give it my last shot.

Dear God. I am helpless without you. Please, I'm begging you. Grant me strength, show me the way, for now, I need you the most.

Tadi dah tulis post panjang-panjang about what happened when we went to Cairo last Saturday. I was almost done, went to the toilet for 5 minutes and came back to an over-heated laptop, which, automatically shut down and somehow, the post wasn't saved.

So now, I am not gonna write it again, because I am not as happy as I was before even though I finally got my Chocolate Crepe and looking at the shopping bags on the couch. Look for the pictures at my album on my Facebook profile if you want to. Sighs.

Result's are coming out in less than a week. Please let me pass all four, Amin Ya Rabb.

We, humans, are forgetful and we always take things for granted.

When we want something, we say the sweetest thing, we promise the brightest stars and at that point, not even a chicken with a pink helmet flying at bullet speed could stop us.

But what happens when we do get that second chance?

I don't know about you. But sometimes, I don't think I deserve second chances. Because the odds are, I'd still be the same. I don't think that I'm giving my all and my very best, even when I should be.

But, this time. It's different. I have given, though not all, the pieces of courage left in me. And I am more than willing to work even harder next year because when you fall really hard once, you wouldn't want to fall twice. It'll be harder and my parents and family deserve more from me. 

In the name of Allah, if I pass this exams and I get into second year, I will give my very all throughout the year. No more last minute studies. No more fooling around. No more games. No more jokes. This is serious, and this is it. I will ball up the courage I have and pray that God helps me through this. Please let me pass finals this time.

I truly believe in You, oh Allah. Amen Ya Rabb.

                            

I'm about to get sick and my Oral Exams start tomorrow.

Its so hot now that I shower three times a day and everytime I get back from somewhere. The best part? It'll be hotter next month.

There are bed mites on my bed. So my legs are ugly-er and I wear long pants to bed.

I'm a terrible cook and there are very limited dining places here. Please don't suggest that I have fast food for dinner. These are the foods that I so very badly want and will eat at least once when I get back home, which is soon, isA.

From top most :

1. Vietnamese Noodle / Pho.

2. Nasi Lemak Sambal Kerang.

3. Pad Thai.

4. Otak-Otak. Kempas tak Kempas, belakang kira.

5. Chicken Teppanyaki.

6. Nasi Goreng Kerabu.

7. Ipoh Hor Fun.

8. Lontong.

9. Nasi Kerabu Daging Bakar.

10. Char Kuey Tiow.

11. Beef Bulgogi.

12. Fried Shark's Fin with Eggs and Salad.

13. Claypot Chicken Rice.

14. Laksa Sarawak.

Lapar smpai baring atas katil tanak bangun walaupun sebenarnya loya, sakit perut dan rasa nak demam sekarang ni. Jom menangis ramai-ramai? *hulur tissue* Okay lah, byeeee. Nak mandi dan buat sup. Tu je yang boleh terima skrang ni. Sedih kan?

Why I Need To Go Back To Malaysia This Year:

1. Need to buy more clothes and shoes. Kalau beli sendiri, I need to worry about money and I'm not exactly the best one in budgetting and according to plan.

2. I miss driving and fully air-conditioned cars and people not honking every 2 minutes while driving.

3. I promised Pudding I'd buy him boxes of Tako Tao.

4. I need to see if they have any new stores in KLCC.

5. Even though I love City Stars to bits and pieces and all, I need to go to other malls. Too much of soemthing is never good enough.

6. The fact that I'm a terrible cook and is food deprived, I don't want to go bonkers.

7. It's too hot and dry here. I need a balance of the Asian heat and some rain and greenery.

8.My bed in Malaysia doesn't have bed mites and it's cooler, and even though there's no couch and a dining table in my room, I miss my room. The smell, my bed, the view from my window and my own bathroom.

9. I miss going out and not having people look at you like you're wearing your pants inside out.

10. I miss home and I miss my family.

I am a firm believer of ''good things shouldn't be rushed''. Believe me when I say, I speak from experience.

I'm not rushing anything right now. Yes, I whine for a boyfriend a lot, but don't take me as being desperate. Because I'm not. I'm still waiting for the right one. Call me old-fashioned and tell me ''you're still young, go on and have fun''. Thanks but no thanks. I've had my share of fun. :)

Btw, I think some people just don't learn from mistakes. Especially those who listen to their heart more than their head. That, honey, is where most problems start. Sometimes, we don't see the bad in someone just because we like having them around. Open your eyes. Look around. You can't be that stupid, can you? Shutting down people who are actually being nice to you for what people you think you know and the judgements that they pass around because you think they're right. Tuhan bagi akal kepada manusia untuk membezakan antara yang baik dan buruk. Guna nikmat tu sebaik mungkin, don't take it for granted sbb itu yang membezakan antara kita dan haiwan.

I can't wait for Cairo. Liberation, baby! *even if it's just for one week*

Fu*k it maannnnnn, Pysio esok okay but still mcm apa je. This is the paper I'm most least prepared for. Not to say that I'm, boasting with confidence for other papers so far, but at least I wont be as empty-headed and as blur as this one. This is 3 thick books, which is equivalent to 6 whole, long chapters we're talking about and I need to score at least 75 marks to pass. Oh Lord, please be with me this time.

We went on a Firakh Masywi hunt this morning, Mye, Anis and me. That means grilled chicken. Who needs Kenny Roger's when it's all by the roadside? Pfft.

Sighs. Physiology oh Physiology. You make me wanna cry so hard and sit on my bed, with my earphones on, singing my lungs out to crappy, shitty songs.

This video is very cute, have been addicted to it ever since. :)

Exams itu sgt palat. Honestly. It makes people go bonkers, literally. Lagi-lagi kalau dpat exam mcm kitorang, 3 bulan. That's 3 months of hell, I'm telling you.

Anat 50-50%. Kalau lepas, aku tak tau nk ckp mcm mana bersyukurnya I will be. Biochem boleh buat, I honestly expect a pass, insyaAllah, Amin. Physio lagi 3 hari, tapi cover mcm tak cover je. Semoga Allah mudahkan segalanya and I really need to pass all four. My life is at stake. Literally.

I think exam's this year is really testing everyone emotionally. Everyone's breaking down, at one point or another. Tekanan emosi dan depresi ada di mana-mana di Mansoura. You can feel it on the streets, even. Hopefully we will all have the strength to make it through. God knows this is hard. All I want to do right now is just sit on my bed, watch reruns of downloaded low-quality movies on my laptop and eat ice cream straight from the tub.

I want to pass. I want to go home. I want to come back to Egypt in November for my life as a second year medical student. Amin, ya Rabb. Amin, Amin, Ya Rabb al-Alamin.

Sometimes, I go to bed thinking that I want to pass exams and I hug my pillow tight. I hope He listens to me. To us all. Because we are all fighting for our future.

After three whole days of me staying in bed, trying to run from sunlight and people and mustering the pieces of courage and hope left in me, we threw a surprise birthday party for Fat. We made our own triffle, macaroni with minced meat and egg sandwishes. The foods were awesome, we literally ate the whole night, till noon. It was food, face paint, taking pictures, food, a ghost movie, Facebook-ing, food and more food. It was nice, a night of taking our mind off things. :)

And to those who passed the Semester 4 Finals, Congratulations! And for those who didn't, don't worry, theres still the repeat paper. Work harder and don't give up and lose faith just yet. The rainbow will come at the end of the storm.

I thought I moved on, but clearly I haven't. What happens when you love someone just a little bit too much and even though you know you just can't be together in the end, but your heart still wants you to stay a little longer and fight?

I felt like a big part of me left when I found out.

There were just so many things I wanted to tell you but I didn't.

So many things we said we'd do but now won't happen.

So many things you did for me that I would never forget.

You would always be there. Just a phone call, or a text away.

You have our picture posted on your closet door and you promised me you would come visit me here.

I'm sorry for not spending enough time with you.

I'm sorry I did not call or text you more often.

I'm sorry you got worried about me.

And I'm sorry I couldn't see you and kiss you for the last time.

But I got the last text you sent me. And it truly meant a lot to me.

And I love you too, Atok. Very much. And I will miss you even more than you think I'll do.

Rest in peace, Atok.

Oh Tuhanku, tempatkan lah dia dalam kalangan orang-orang yang beriman dan cucuri rahmat dan keampunan keatasnya.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.

Exam starts in 2 days. To say that I didn't study at all and that I am going into the exam hall with absolutely nothing in my head, and by nothing I mean not even knowing what the question's gonna be like would be a lie. That was a year ago.

But to say that I've covered every single page and memorised every single line would be a lie, too.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan Ku, aku mohon padaMu Ya Allah, kurniakan lah kejayaan buat aku dan kawan-kawan ku. Hanya Kau sahaja yang tahu betapa pentingnya peperiksaan kali ni buat kami semua, dan aku sendiri. Inilah penentu segalanya Ya Allah. Kau murahkanlah rezeki kami, bukakan pintu rezeki kami dan turunkan syafaat mu Ya Rabb. Aku merayu kepadamu Tuhanku, kurniakan lah kami kejayaan dalam peperiksaan ini Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang. Ameen Ya Rabb al-Alamin.

I feel the pressure to pass.

I feel the pressure to score.

I feel the pressure to go back home.

I feel the pressure to be skinny and pretty.

I feel the pressure of having to please the people around me.

I can feel eyes waiting for me to fail looking straight at me.

I know I have to be strong, not only for the sake of myself, but also others.

I know my mood swings and me trying to isolate myslef from the rest are hurting many and I thank and apologise for having to put up with me at this point.

I am inches away from breaking down. From letting go of all that I have worked for. 

No, I am not okay. Physically, emotionally. Drained. I'm not being a drama queen. And I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm writing this down because I need to voice this out. I can't hold it in anymore. Don't tell me to suck this all in and keep my composure. Am not even going to pretend I'm okay.

I want to go home. I need my mom and dad. I want to lie in my bed at home. I'm not okay. Not now.

Hadis riwayat Abu Hurairah :

''Bahwa Rasulullah saw. bersabda: Bukanlah orang kuat itu dengan menang bergulat, tetapi orang yang kuat ialah orang yang dapat menguasai dirinya ketika marah.''

Betul, sabar itu separuh daripada iman. Betul, orang yang sabar adalah orang yang kuat. Tapi bukan kah semua benda ada tahap nya? Ada satu tahap, selembut-lembut orang pun boleh melenting. Selagi mana kita boleh bersabar, okay. Tarik nafas dalam-dalam, istighfar, distractkan diri sendiri. Baring, main internet, apa-apa yang boleh menenangkan diri sendiri. Tapi jangan push limit tu, takut benda yang tak sepatutnya keluar dari mulut. Terlajak perahu boleh di undur, terlajak kata buruk padahnya. Nauzubillah.

''None of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brothers what he wishes for himself.''

Related by Bukhari and Muslim. May Allah save our brothers and sisters. Amin.

I am afraid of :

1. Sitting in the dark. Bad things happen in the dark, this is simply known to the entire mankind population. I feel like I'm suffocating and that if something hits me or pull me away from where I stand, I won't be able to see who or what and sitting in the dark just give me shivers. This is when my body mutates and I have bionic eyes.

2. Swimming in the ocean/lake/river. Simply because you can't guess the depth of the water and I hate strong currents. And I hate the feeling I have in my chest when I suddenly can't feel the bottom anymore.

3. Trying too hard and still failing or not achieving the expected end results. That's when I feel even lower than six feet under.

4. Trusting someone too much and being too happy and feeling like things have been going my way. Something must be wrong. It will be.

5. Dying and not to be able to tell the people I truly care and love what I want to, or losing the people I love. It's the same as me dying. Only that I don't admit it out loud. Who I love, the regrets and the things I want to do for and with them.

Dear Mommy.

It's that time of the year again, Mother's Day. I'm sorry I can't buy you expensive things *you know how I am with money*, I can't take you out for dinner or lunch because we're continents apart, I can't sing you a song because I suck at singing, I can't write you a poem because I am not good with words but this is what I can give you. A cyber letter.

I know how hard these past 20 years has been for you. Raising a kid alone is tough, let alone 4 kids. And I know you think that I never listen when you tell me how hard it was for you when you first had me, with Ayah living all the way in Penang and that you had to take the mini bus even when you were pregnant with me.

And I know that I haven't been the easiest to raise. I am rebellious and I like to do things my own way. Even when you say no, I go for it anyways, even after you reasoning out all the reasons why I should not. And when you just won't let me, I would literally beg and annoy my way through until you say yes.

I also didn't help much with the house chores. But you know how I hate doing the laundry. :| And I have always took for granted how you used to drive me everyday to and from school, until I had my own license and realised that driving isn't as easy as it looks. The same goes for cooking. Now that I live on my own, I hate cooking and the cleaning up and all the hassle.

So here's my way of saying thank you for all that you have done for the past 20 years and that I love you so much and that you are the best mom one can wish for. <3

This is what I've learnt from my almost 2 years of living here in Egypt. Or Mansoura, to be a tad more specific.

1. Do not throw away empty used water bottles, especially the 1.5 litre ones. Instead, refill it with pipe water and put it somewhere, outside the toilet would be a good spot. Because, if you're living in a building where they don't have a motor-generated water pump and your apartments higher than the 4th floor, you don't want to be sitting inside the shower for 15 minutes while getting your housemate to go knock on the landlord's door and tell him to please pump the water. Or even if you have a motor-generated water pump, black outs and insufficient electric current is even worse, because there's nothing anyone can do but pray to God that the power comes back on soon.

2. Do not wear perfumes with very strong fruity note and sit under or anywhere near a tree. I once had on DKNY's Be Delicious and had to run inside a building to save myself from being stung by a bee.

3. Yes heels are sexy and they make you feel confident, but tripping and falling in the middle of the road is not especially when there are people around, which is the case most of the time because the streets here are rarely empty. You don't want to be walking and feeling so sexy and have that look on your face where you know you look good and fall the next minute and rip your pants. Not sexy at all, I tell you. You can save it for dinners, parties and City Stars, though.

4. Always have change in your pocket for beggars. Never, I repeat, never, take out a purse in front of them and fiddle with your money especially when you have a LE 200 and a LE 1 note and when you want to pull out the LE 1 note, you pulled out the LE 200 note too, because they will literally wrestle you for it. Unless you have a friend who is strong enough to push them away and pull you away, you wouldn't want to be in that situation.

5. A ring and an iPod or MP3 player is more of an investment than you can ever imagine. Wear a ring on your finger and plug in your earphones and walk down the street. Saves you from all the boyya boyya and what not. Seriously.

This is what I discovered while lying half-asleep on my bed, cursing because it was 5 o'clock in the evening on a summer day and my fan's not working, listening to music with a tweezer in one hand and a small compact mirror in another.

Life is like plucking your eyebrows.

Some just don't care about it. And some put a lot of effort in it.

You can't always expect others to help you with it, asking for a hand once in a while is okay, but in the end you are the one who is responsible for it.

You can ask others for opinion on how you can shape it and others can tell you how they think you should do it, but in the end your decision is what matters.

Sometimes you get the perfect arch, but sometimes you don't get it right and you'll have to wait for time to pass by and try your hardest to not repeat the same mistake.

People will not always like how your eyebrow look, but you can't please everyone. You have to go with the one that suits you perfectly well .

At times, you accidentally pluck your eyelid instead and it gets very painful that sometimes it bleeds but you just have to put up with it and you'll learn by time that the pain goes away.

Sometimes you look at other's eyebrow and you see how perfectly shaped it is and you wish you had theirs instead.

I know how stupid this might sound to some, if not to all, but hey, I'm just saying whatever crosses my mind.

On another note, condolences to the wife and family of Bro Hisham, a blogger who was dear to my friend, who passed away this evening in a car accident. May the mercy of Allah be with him. May the mercy of Allah be with us all. From Him we come, and to Him we all return.

It's 7.24 in the morning, I am high from the after-effects of medicine and I need to pee. So very depsperately. But Baba's pissed at us because we got into a fight with him few weeks back and he feels like we are blaming him for our ridiculously expensive water and electric heater and we demanded that he let us move out earlier than supposed to but he disagreed. The other day he was telling us about how he was installing a new water pipe and we supposedly won't be having anymore water problems from then on. But I left the tap pn since 3 in the morning and still no water. Aaaaaaah. And hence, my plans of going to the library to spend the whole day stuffing my face in books while some of my friends will be going to Cairo for the day just went down the drain.

And we were hanging out yesterday after the sheet exam and got talking and one of it was about ''Bait Muslim''. It's an organisation *I think* that matches couples based on profiles. Sort of like online dating, but in a more Islamic way. I don't know if they have it in other places, but they sure have it in Mansoura.

So this is how it works, pardon me if I'm wrong, though. You get registered with the representatives and they'll have some sort of interview session and ask questions like, ''Why do you want to get married'', ''Why choose Bait Muslim'' and ''What do you look for in your partner?'' Mind you, I haven't tried this before and I don't know anyone who has gone through this, so this is all a wild guess. Sorry if I get the facts wrong. And then you fill up a questionnaire about yourself and give a photo. So the opposite sex would run through profiles of possible 'dates' and if they like a particular someone, a 'meeting' would be planned where both sides meet and talk, supervised but others. Meaning it won't be just the two of you in a room. And if you like the other person, you can get married, I think. Sounds interesting, no?

But the catch is that they say people usually do this when they really wanna get married, not to just find friends and things like that. So I was really interested to try it, I mean you never know what's gonna happen, right? But don't get me wrong, it's not that I want to get married pronto or anything, it's just one of the few things I really would wanna try. It does sound interesting. But what if nobody would like to get to know me considering that I am a 19 year old girl who doesn't know how to cook, has trouble making up her mind all the time that I have to change at least thrice everytime before I go out, doesn't like to stay at home and likes wearing heels but trips and falls all the time. Sounds like a good catch, no ? :|

My biological clock is broken, if that's the word you can use.

The other week before exams I would sleep at 6, konon macam agar tak lepas semayang subuh. Bangun around 3.30. Just in time for Zohor dan semayang Asar di awal waktu.

During exam week it was pening-kepala-sbb-tahan-mengantuk because I usually sleep after finishing exams, around noon, and waking up at around the same time. So you can say I was sleep deprived. Can I get very loud and long pfffffts? Hell yeah.

And then now, I sleep at 3 pm all the way till 10 at night. Well at least I get to see the sun rise and inhale freah air while drinking orange juice? Gaaaah.

They changed the exam schedule. Again. I think it has been only 5 or 6 times since they changed it? The best part, 2 days gap in between papers and exam starts mid June and ends mid July and we are supposed to move out end of June and we don't have a house and I still can't imagine moving in the midst of exams. Thank you to whoever is responsible for the new schedule.


Oh and one last thing, I don't like people who put the blame on others when it is very obvious you are the one who should be blamed. Don't bother trying to explain, hoping that someone will get you off the hook, we're not stupid, you know. Trust is hard to gain, but very easy to lose.

You know what I don't get?

The fact that when you're in a relationship, your partner tends to treat you like crap and not give their 100% when we are giving 150%.

And they let us go like it's the easiest, possible thing to do and we cry our hearts out for days and they just couldn't care less.

And when we finally have the strength and courage to actually move on and is ready to bury and let the past go, they come to us, trying to fix things, giving 101 excuses why we should give them a second chance.

Saying things like 'I just realized that I am still so madly in love with you' and 'I just can't seem to forget you', 'I was a jerk and I should've realised sooner' is not enough.

Do you honestly think that by saying that, the world is a much happier place for both you and me? Sometimes, the good things in life don't come twice. You only have one shot at it. It's either you give it your best shot and take a risk or you lose it and just keep living with the 'if only I had's.

If I could choose one song to express how I feel at this very exact moment, it would be Fall To Pieces by Avril Lavigne. Word by word. I wish things weren't as complicated. :(

Fall To Pieces by Avril Lavigne

1. Current addiction :
Twinkies and Orange Juice.

2. I don't have much to say, been busy and all's just not going as planned. Bab*tuuuuuuut*.

3. But am glad that my parcel is here. Thank you Mommy and Ayah :) And Abg Din and Abg Faiz too.

4. Ada peribahasa baru. ''Janggut yang panjang jangan disangka baik'' Baba tak bagi pindah. Padanlah muka kena bayar bil entah berapa. Tengok-tengok bulan depan 800. Terbang lagi duit. -___- Oh and yay me for sticking to the I-won't-ask-for-money-even-when-I-don't-have-any. It's not easy, trust me.

5. I hate it when I get upset and tired and cranky, not only because it makes me look ugly-er, but also because then people might think that I am sombong and not wanna be friends with me. :S

6. And stop wanting to restart my laptop for updates dammit, I'm using it now! Urgh. Don't blame me, blame the hormones. Pffft.

It's only 1.48 in the morning and only God knows how tired I am.
Exam's are around the corner so everyone is working their you-know-what off right now.
Trying to catch up with a year's worth of workload and what not.
I'm so tired, that I have never thought my cheap bed and very thin mattress could be any more comfortable than it is now.

Sighs. Work hard, you lazy one.
Kata nak balik rumah and enjoy and beli barang and jumpa orang and what not.
*Images and thoughts of things I can do, places I can go and people I can see flashing in my mind*

I hope I can go to Cairo for just a day and watch Clash of the Titans in 3D version and eat Cinnabon and drink coffee.

And....

Happy Birthday to My Dearest Darling Sister, Fiza Azzirra.

You're 14 now, which means its time to grow up, but still be able to enjoy the little things in life. I pray and I wish for your health, for you to be able to maintain your excellent track record, that God gives you true love, happiness and wealth and for Him to guide you with your every step. Remember that I love you, and I will always be here for you. Have a good day sis, you deserve it! :)

Orang mcm makin lama makin takde kerja.
Tadi tgh duduk layan perasaan sorang-sorang, terdengar cerita pulak.
A rumor has been going around for a while now.
Fitnah tu pulak, tak berasas langsung.
Kira mcm kalau orang tu betul-betul kenal kitorang, confirm akan gelak smpai pecah perut and go 'hak ela, kau ni biar betul'.
The best part would be that the genius who created it and the one who spread it, mcm tak kenal kitorang.
Padahal time kau susah, pandai pulak kau cari kitorang minta tolong.
Now, you might feel like you're on top and you're enjoying the view from up there.
But remember dear friend, you won't be on top for long, that's just how the cycle is.
And bila dah smpai part nak minta tolong tu, sorry.


Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on us.


Btw, malas lah nak amik kisah apa jadi sekeliling.
Why give satisfaction to these idiots who obviously enjoys attention and destruction in a community?
I'd prefer to drink a cup of hot coffee and just study since the finals are so close, I could literally hear my heart beat faster as I type.
Please, spare me all the drama.
Aku nak naik tahun diam-diam pun susah sangat ke? Sighs.


Biar lah apa orang nak buat, bak kata orang, mulut orang, kita tak boleh nak tutup, kan?
So, kita doakan je lah yang terbaik buat kita.
Just pray that God gives us strength and courage, for only He knows the reason behind every thing that is happening.

It is always the darkest before dawn.

A quote I came across once before when I was younger and I still tell myself this every time I feel like the world is turning its back against me.


Oooh, and maybe hang out with the very few friends I have and have a good laugh so that we would still be sane enough to enjoy Malaysia and all its heavenly wonders during summer break.


Who's with me on this?


*plugs in earphone**turns on iPod**study smpai mengantuk*

Baru balik househunting, rasa nak demam. Memang dah ala-ala demam sebenarnya. Baru ingat nak tidur, tapi ada benda lain yang lebih interesting. Lepas baca, telinga terus panas. Tak tau lah sejuk sbb demam ke sbb marah.

I have been through this a hell lot of times and I am starting to get very sick and annoyed of this. However, I am gonna try and keep my composure and write this post with simple words so that everyone can fucking understand this.

Look around you. What do you see? Do you see everyone wearing niqabs, having long beards and walking around with a tasbih? No. Do you see everyone wearing short skirts and skinnies and exposing their body parts to others? No. So, basically not everyone is the same. Yes, some people might be born and raised to a very strict Muslim family who holds all the principles of Islam dear and lives life the way they should.

BUT some don't. Some has bas been raised in an entirely different social circle and has been instilled with different values. Kalau awak dari kecik dari sekolah agama, smpai ke besar, kawan-kawan pun dari kelompok orang yang sama, bagus lah. Tapi tolong ingat, latar belakang awak dengan latar belakang orang lain tak sama. Bukan bererti orang tu lagi teruk dari awak. Sapa awak nak judge iman seseorang? Tak semestinya kalau awak berpurdah berserban 24 jam, awak tu comfirm masuk syurga, lepas dari azab Tuhan dan orang yang tak seperti awak tu tak.

Okay lah, fine, awak nak sebarkan dakwah? Nobody's telling you not to, but please mind your words. Bukan kitorang tak hafal Quran, kitorang tak tahu adab berdakwah mcm mana. Kalau awak berguru smpai ke ulama paling hebat dunia pun, kalau cara awak nak berdakwah tu salah, smpai sudah takde siapa akan dengar dan apa-apa yang awak ckp tu mcm menuang air ke daun keladi, masuk telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan.

Everybody has their own pride and ego. Every single one. Please don't think only yours matter. Awak terkejut tgok orang tak pakai tudung, rmbut warna-warni? Habis awak tgok orang tu tak terkejut tgok orang pandang perempuan terus tunduk istighfar? Sama je lah ceritanya. Bagus awak nak dakwah dengan orang, I admire that, please pat your back. Tak smua orang ada kekuatan untuk berdakwah, tapi kalau nak berdakwah dengan mengaibkan orang lain, apebende tu?

Ni nak tegur perempuan tak pakai tudung pergi jerit2 dari tingkat 6 di kawasan orang ramai. Apa perasaan orang yang di tegur tu? Do you honestly feel that they will be ashamed of themselves and would want to change? Harapan lah weh. Tu memalukan orang namanya. Lagi orang tu sakit hati and menyampah, ada lah. Dah lah awak tu lelaki, tak rasa ada cara lain yang lagi elok? Kat situ kan ramai orang, ustazah-ustazah pun ramai. Mintak lah tolong salah seorang ustazah tu tegurkan, diorang pun ada lah cara nak tegur. Nak tegur pakaian tak sesuai, mulakan dengan 'awak rasa awak mati mcm mana?' Bila ada TERdengar cerita, terus post blog maki hamun kutuk orang tu. Padahal benda yang di ckpkan tu tak betul pun. Kan ke fitnah tu lagi besar dosanya dari membunuh? Yes, saya pun tahu sedikit ilmu agama.


Konon nak ckp awak tu orang alim, tapi kalau apa yang awak bawa kepada masyarakat bukan lah pembangunan atau kebaikan, tapi lebih kepada memecahbelah dan melaga-lagakan sesama saudara sendiri. Kalau betul niat awak baik, awak bukan nya ajak kawan-kawan gang awak merejam orang yang bukan dlam kumpulan tu. Instead, berbaik-baik sesama manusia, baru lah boleh nak tegur elok2. Kalau mcm tu, orang yang di tegur pun boleh menerima dengn hati terbuka. Yang di tegur pun tercapai hasrat di hati nak menegur.

Ingat, zahir seseorang tak melambangkan siapa dia yang sebenarnya. Orang tu mungkin nampak tak sebaik mana, tapi ilmu dan iman dia, Tuhan je yang tahu. Husnu zon, *sorry tak reti nak eja* maksudnya berprasangka baik kepada orang lain. Ni masa Akhlak darjah 5 dah belajar. Benda-benda kecil macam ni pun patut kita terapkan dalam kehidupan seharian. Bukan dengan qiamullail setiap malam smpai tak cukup tidur, tapi bila tgok orang je, 'mesti si polan ni mcm ni, si polan tu pulak mcm ni'. Cuba kita pegang resam padi, makin byak isi, makin tunduk menyembah Bumi. Bukan baru berguru sedikit dah nak pergi ke hulu hilir tunjuk salah orang. Yang membezakan manusia dan binatang adalah akal untuk berfikir. Kalau kita tak gunakan akal tu untuk berfikir, apa beza kita dengan binatang?

Yang baik itu datang dari Allah, dan yang buruk itu datang dari saya. Maaf kalau bahasa agak kasar, dan buat siapa-siapa yang terasa, minta maaf. Post ini tak ditujukan kepada sesiapa secara khusus. Siapa makan cili, dia yang terasa pedasnya.

You know it's already summer now because :

1. You feel thirsty all the time, and the cooler the water is, the better. Or you can make it an ice-blended or a fruit juice.

2. The boats in Sikkah are back.

3. You wear shorts and even the sight of winter coat/sweater makes you go dizzy.

4. The first thing you want to do in the morning is take a long,cold shower and you just wanna sit in the bath tub in the evenings.

5. Going out in mid-day without shades = first degree suicide.

6. It's 12 at night and the streets are still busy.

7. The littlest things piss you off and somehow, your patience level has been lowered to a whole new level.

8. Studying in the afternoon os unquestionable.

9. Your face becomes oily easily, you sweat after less than half an hour outside, you need to was your hair everyday and you get headaches easily.

10. It's hot, hot, hot, hot and getting hotter by the minute. And our fan's not working, perfect!


What-I-wish-would-fall-down-from-the-sky-but-would-never-happen-so-I-can-keep-on-dreaming :

1. An air-conditioned room.

2. Unlimited access to cold juices and ice-blended frappucinos.

3. Going out with shorts, or at least three-quarters.

4. A mouth-watering banana split with ice-creams, and bananas and those wafers and love letters.


7 more days to exam, better put your head together now.

p/s : I is in the mood to head down to the beach, anyone?

I was talking *talking meant long comments on facebook, yes, I do that* to Sarah and we were talking about breakfast when I realized, I have a box of Fruit Loops I bought months ago and did not finish because it did not taste fruity enough and another box of Gold Flakes I would probably finish in months' time because it has nuts. And boleh tak perasan? Motherfather. So I end up eating Twinkies for breakfast.

And one more thing that I have just realised, my brain is turning its small little backless back on me. I have very short attention span when it comes tu studying and it absorbs every little information I do not need like 'oooh, her bag's pretty' or 'I like his hair', instead of informations that should be glued to my brain for at least another 3 months like Anatomy and Physiology. -____-

Warm summer sun, shine kindly here.
Warm southern wind, blow softly here.
Green sod above, lie light, lie light.
Good night dear heart, good night, good night.
<3

Tag

So, I've been tagged by Kak Nadia, and apparently I won an award. ;)

7 Things About Myself

1. I hate doing the laundry. Selagi laundry pile tu tak pile up dan masih ada baju nak pakai, selagi tu tanak buat laundry.

2. I think one can never get enough of clothes, bags, or shoes. Ini semua keperluan. Tapi kalau beli, tak reti jaga, or beli sekadar ada, memanglah benda tu akan cepat rosak dan baru lah boleh nak ckp membazir. When buying something, make it worth every cent, baru puas hati.

3. I am scared of the dark and I don't like sleeping alone. Sbb bila gelap dan duduk sorang2, mula lah terbayang benda bukan2. Bunyi pun nnt dengar dah pelik2. Mcm mana nak duduk bilik sorang tahun depan pun, entah lah.

4. I think a guy should be of three things if he wants to leave a good impression on girls. Be neat, look clean and smell good. No matter how cute/hot you are, tapi kalau selekeh semacam, bau pun semacam, takpe lah. -____-

5. I look forward to birthdays, especially mine. I'd list down my possible birthday gift list monthsss before and days after my birthday.

6. Lately, I get sick easily. Minum coffee sikit, minum susu sikit, mula lah mabuk dan sakit perut berhari-hari. Blood pressure pun suka hati dia je bila-bila nak turun. And I know people say mcm limpa/ pedal/ hati elok nak naikkan balik blood pressure, tapi benda-benda tu tak sedap.

7. I don't eat weird animal parts, or other animals beside ayam, ikan, daging. Jadi landak ke merpati ke puyuh ke, takpe lah. Silakan makan ye :) And I am scared of animals, even cats.

n.b : tidur tadi sgt best, up to the part terjaga sbb di serang nyamuk bertubi2. terima kasih lah nyamuk. pfft.

Love

Last night, my friend's boyfriend was caught cheating. In the most obvious, possible way ever. Nobody thought that he'd cheat and the best part was his pathetic attempt to lie and the excuses he made to not put the blame on him. Dude, come on. Kalau dah terkantoi tu, buat lah cara terkantoi. Minta maaf ke ape ke, bukan bagi alasan bodoh-bodoh tak masuk akal. Ingat budak 5 tahun ke nak tipu?

Never say 'I love you' when you don't mean it.
Because when we say we love you, we mean it with all our hearts.

Doa

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan Kami,
Kau ampunkanlah dosa-dosa kami, dosa kedua ibu bapa kami, dosa guru-guru kami dan semua kaum muslimin dan muslimat sama ada yang masih hidup atau pun yang telah meninggal dunia.
Kau murahkan lah rezeki kami, rezeki kedua ibu bapa kami, guru-guru kami dan kaum muslimin dan muslimat Ya Allah.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan Kami yang Maha Mengasihani,
Kau kurniakan lah kesihatan tubuh badan dan umur yang panjang buat kedua ibu bapa kami, Ya Allah.
Kau kasihani lah mereka sebagaimana mereka mengasihani kami semenjak kami kecil lagi Ya Allah.
Kau lindungi lah mereka dari segala ancaman bahaya dan buatan orang Ya Allah.
Kau lindungi lah juga adik-adik dan saudara-saudara kami Ya Allah.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan Kami yang Maha Mengetahui,
Kau murahkan lah rezeki kami, Ya Allah.
Kurniakan lah kami dengan kefahaman para nabi dan kurniakan lah kami kekuatan ingatan para hafiz Ya Allah.
Kau terangkan lah hati kami Ya Allah, Kau jauhkanlah kami dari segala kekusutanYa Allah.
Anugerahilah kami dgn semangat juang yang tinggi Ya Allah, jauhilah kami dari sifat malas dan cepat putus asa, serta riak dan takbur.
Kurniakan kami dengan semangat juang serta kesabaran yang tinggi dlam berjuang di jalan-Mu Ya Allah.

Kau bukakanlah pintu rezeki kami Ya Allah,
Kau berilah kami kemudahan dan kesenangan untuk menjawab peperiksaan.
Kau hindarkan kami dari sifat takut, gemuruh dan cuai.
Kurniakan kami ketenangan dan keyakinan.
Kau lembutkanlah hati pemeriksa kami Ya Allah, semoga mereka dapat menanda kertas kami dalam keadaan hati yang tenang dan semoga kami mendapat keputusan yang terbaik Ya Allah.
Kurniakan juga kejayaan kepada rakan-rakan seperjuangan kami Ya Allah.

Tapi jika kami tidak mendapat keputusan yang di harapkan Ya Allah,
berilah kami kekuatan untuk bangun semula Ya Allah.
Jauhi kami dari sifat putus asa dan malas.
Kerana sesungguhnya setiap apa yang berlaku, hanya Engkau yang maha mengetahui apa yang tersirat di sebaliknya.

Amin Ya Rabb.


Doa

Dear Y,

I was honestly true to whatever we had and I hope you did too. But obviously, this is all just another lie we both led. I expected honesty from you because that was what I was giving you. All that I have done reflected how deeply I cared for you and how grateful I am that I found you. I believed all that you said, never doubted even a word and was ready to give you my hand whenever you needed it. You told me everything, or at least that was what I thought and not even once I felt like shutting you out, no matter what you told me. You knew I would always be there for you, and I think, you even believed that there was no end to it.


I remember you telling me that you know me so well, sometimes even I don't know myself that well. You were an important person in my life, someone I looked up to, someone I expected to always be there for me no matter what and someone who honestly cared. When something's not right, you always knew, I didn't even have to say anything. But obviously, things aren't the way they were anymore.


You think I'm just being dramatic, silly and what-not when all I want is for you to wake up from all this games you've been playing and start doing the right thing before things get out of hand and it would be too late. Yes, I am mad at you. And I know all you think right now is that I am doing whatever I am because me being me, I follow my own consciense. And I honestly believe that you feel that this would go on only for a few days, and that I would be running back to you in just a matter of time. You think that you have to make things right and say what everyone wants to hear so that things will fall back in place. Or maybe, you just don't need me anymore.


I am not going to say this in your face, because right now, you are just too stucked up leading this fun life of yours without realising all the people who truly care about you, and that you are going to hurt them deeper than you can ever imagine. You feel that things are heading in your direction, but you forgot that you don't know what might be ahead. When it's too late, there's no looking back. People have feelings. When they get hurt, over and over again, nothing you can say or do, at that time can make it go away.


So please, all I am asking right now is just for you to take a minute, sit down and really look at what's happening around you. Is this the life that you want to lead? Are these the people you really want to be with? Have you started believing in all the lies you tell? Right now, you have no idea how much you've hurt me. There's no respect left for you. Every single word you say, makes me think. Did you really mean it? Or are you just saying it because it seemed to be the right thing to say? But I still have a bit of hope and faith left deep down inside. That soon, you will have the courage to stand up and start putting the pieces to where it belongs. If you still need me at that time, all you have to do is let me know. I will be there for you. But if you do not need me right now, there's nothing I can do. I have my own life to lead too, with or without you. I cant stay and watch you destroy yourself bit by bit, knowing that there's nothing I can do about it. For now, I will leave the scene, but remember if you ever need me again, I will be there with open hands.


Prove yourself. Prove to everyone that you are not who they think you are now. Prove me wrong.

Love.

I'm sorry I hesitated and it took me so long to come and get you.
I know right now things are just so fucked up and you feel like everything is crashing on you.
You feel like the whole world is laughing and pointing their fingers at you.
You feel like there is absolutely nothing that you can do and you want to hide and shield yourself from everything and everyone.
I know how confused and messed up you are and that no matter how hard you try to lie to yourself, you just can't.

Please don't put up that smile, we both know it's fake.
Don't tell yourself that you're strong enough to stand on your own, when we both know you're just drowning deeper.
You can't stand on your own two feet right now and I am not strong enough to carry you on my own.
Give me your hand, show me that you still have that fighting spirit I've always adored.
I know it's still somewhere deep down.
Although it may seem like it's shattered, broken into pieces and crushed, we can still fix the broken pieces before it's too late.
All I need you to do is give me your hand, don't look back, and fight this battle.
I still have faith in you and I know this is not who you really are and beneath all the lies you try to build to shield yourself, this is not what you really want.
And I think you know that eventually, it is eating you from the inside, and consuming you.

Please,
Stop all this.
Give me your hand and I will not let go.
Come home with me.
We are not the whole wide world.


We are your friends.

They say I am stupid.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like I am.
But tell me this.
Does trying to look pass other people's ugly side and trying to hide them somewhere so deep to the point you think you can run from it and lie to yourself over and over again worth it?
Is it so hard to just be nice to the people who has done nothing but try to be nice to you?
We just don't have the answer to everything, that, I know.
But sometimes I wish there was a switch that erases all the bad feelings, thoughts, vibes, whatever you call it.



p/s: I think I'm so stoned due to sleep deprivation I'll sleep the whole day tomorrow.

Happy 20th Birthday Mastura Mat Yasim. <3

We are now officially 11 months and 2 weeks apart, age-wise.
We had fun. Helping Farid with the surprises, 20 balloons, 4 fishes, a cheese cake and a card and makan sampai hongeh at Pizza Hut. Cuba ikut jalan pintas sebab konon nak tepungkan yang lain, so the four of us, Mye, Shabs, Naz and I took a cab and tunggu tepi selekoh konon nak tepungkan smua orang. Tiba-tiba dtang segerombolan arab saying things like ' You are beautiful, I love you.' Errr. -.-

Lari2 tiba-tiba bila diorang smpai, tambah lagi sorang rupanya. Pakcik cycling a bicycle-like vehicle denagn rantai basikal as the handles, mcm mane entah and he wanted a handjob. And di sebabkan I desperately needed to go to the toilet but there wasn't one, I hid in a corner sbb tak larat nak lari dgn wedges lagi, unless nak memalukan diri sendiri dengan jatuh tergolek dan di langgar. Tiba-tiba pakcik tu came near, bukak seluar and nak mintak belas kasihan dengan menyedekahkan handjob. Thank you, but no thank you pak cik! He waited in front of the gate while the others were busy trying to get everyone covered with flour and mind you, there were boys there as well, bukan hanya kami perempuan2. And when we finally nak naik atas, ada hati nak ikut sekali. Dapat pulaakk. Had to shower at 2 in the morning. Dengan air sejuk.

Bangun2 sakit tekak, kepala berat and rasa nak demam. Ada hati lagi tu pergi jalan2 smpai bank, Etisalat Center lepas tu pusing balik and jalan all the way smpai Rumas. Nak buka puasa tgh jalan, tapi air dah kene rampas dengan perompak air depan Bahgat Samir. Pucat sorang2 tunggu makanan dengan air. Balik singgah salon dekat Tir'ah, kesian mak cik comel tu buat threading dapat dengan mak cik lagi sorang. Habis merah muka, siap menjerit-jerit kesakitan. Rasa mcm nak pat bahu dia and ckp, '' Sabarlah makcik, this is what you chose''. Pergi Venus, and potong rmbut pendek smpai bahu. So sekarang, tunggulah smpai dia panjang balik, siapa suruh potong kan?


p/s : tak sabar nak tunggu hari jumaat. :D

I know people usually post this on NYE or New Year itself, but hey, better late than never, right?
So here are my New Year's resolution. It ain't that great, but hey, at least I have some.

1. To have better control of my emotions and myself. This includes to be more patient, less judgmental, listen more and talk less, not be bothered by things that shouldn't be bothering me, be nicer to people, and when I say I'm gonna do something, I shall do it and not procrastinate.

2. To stop spending on things unworthy of my attention and that I could live without and still be happy. I will only buy something if it is on sale, or if I need it and only as a treat to myself after I have done something I should feel proud of and deserves to be treated. Or If I could not contain myself, I shall buy it as a gift to someone, to spread the love and what not. And that includes offering my food to those who need it more than I do and not run away, unless they are attacking me with brutal forces like the other day that beggar literally forced me to give her my money and when I didn't because I couldn't she pulled my hand so hard because she wanted my purse that it left a red mark for quite some time and when I managed to run, she swore that God would never ever help me again.

3. To do my laundry and clean up my room more often. I learnt that I should not not do my laundry untill the laundry basket is full and that I have nothing else to wear because you never know what's gonna happen and you don't want to go out with something that should have been washed a few days ago and no matter how hard I try to escape doing the laundry, I still have to do it. And for the room, you can't have all the world to yourself, so your room is basically your little world. And who wouldn't want their little world to be perfect?

4. To devote more of my time and energy to God. When everything in your world seems to fall out of place and you feel like basically you're alone, actually you're not. God is closer to you than you can ever imagine. And if there's someone, somewhere who would be with you all the time, He would. So, I will, because I believe that He has his plans and that with His guidance, Insya-Allah, things would work out, one way or another.

5. To talk to my family more often. My mom keeps telling me that I am not calling home, that I am spending my time more on Facebook, or more specifically Cafe World so I will call home or Skype with them more often and tell them all that's been happening and bore my mom with me whining about things only a few know, not to talk to my dad only when I need something, Ding can take more snapshots of me in my pajamas with my messy hair and indescribably horrible facial expressions and hear Erra talk in Kedah or if I'm lucky, see them wrestle each other in front of the webcam.

6. To see the good side in others. The world is not full of fairies and saints and neither is it populated by beasts and monsters. Everyone is human and has a good and bad side to them. We can't change someone, or expect them to change entirely to be someone you like because that's just it, we can't please everyone no matter how hard we try. So all you can do, is to look at the good side and not let the bad side cloud your judgement.

7. To have more faith in myself and believe that If I really want something and work hard enough for it, I will get it.