Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Dear Y,

I was honestly true to whatever we had and I hope you did too. But obviously, this is all just another lie we both led. I expected honesty from you because that was what I was giving you. All that I have done reflected how deeply I cared for you and how grateful I am that I found you. I believed all that you said, never doubted even a word and was ready to give you my hand whenever you needed it. You told me everything, or at least that was what I thought and not even once I felt like shutting you out, no matter what you told me. You knew I would always be there for you, and I think, you even believed that there was no end to it.

I remember you telling me that you know me so well, sometimes even I don't know myself that well. You were an important person in my life, someone I looked up to, someone I expected to always be there for me no matter what and someone who honestly cared. When something's not right, you always knew, I didn't even have to say anything. But obviously, things aren't the way they were anymore.

You think I'm just being dramatic, silly and what-not when all I want is for you to wake up from all this games you've been playing and start doing the right thing before things get out of hand and it would be too late. Yes, I am mad at you. And I know all you think right now is that I am doing whatever I am because me being me, I follow my own consciense. And I honestly believe that you feel that this would go on only for a few days, and that I would be running back to you in just a matter of time. You think that you have to make things right and say what everyone wants to hear so that things will fall back in place. Or maybe, you just don't need me anymore.

I am not going to say this in your face, because right now, you are just too stucked up leading this fun life of yours without realising all the people who truly care about you, and that you are going to hurt them deeper than you can ever imagine. You feel that things are heading in your direction, but you forgot that you don't know what might be ahead. When it's too late, there's no looking back. People have feelings. When they get hurt, over and over again, nothing you can say or do, at that time can make it go away.

So please, all I am asking right now is just for you to take a minute, sit down and really look at what's happening around you. Is this the life that you want to lead? Are these the people you really want to be with? Have you started believing in all the lies you tell? Right now, you have no idea how much you've hurt me. There's no respect left for you. Every single word you say, makes me think. Did you really mean it? Or are you just saying it because it seemed to be the right thing to say? But I still have a bit of hope and faith left deep down inside. That soon, you will have the courage to stand up and start putting the pieces to where it belongs. If you still need me at that time, all you have to do is let me know. I will be there for you. But if you do not need me right now, there's nothing I can do. I have my own life to lead too, with or without you. I cant stay and watch you destroy yourself bit by bit, knowing that there's nothing I can do about it. For now, I will leave the scene, but remember if you ever need me again, I will be there with open hands.

Prove yourself. Prove to everyone that you are not who they think you are now. Prove me wrong.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

I'm sorry I hesitated and it took me so long to come and get you.
I know right now things are just so fucked up and you feel like everything is crashing on you.
You feel like the whole world is laughing and pointing their fingers at you.
You feel like there is absolutely nothing that you can do and you want to hide and shield yourself from everything and everyone.
I know how confused and messed up you are and that no matter how hard you try to lie to yourself, you just can't.

Please don't put up that smile, we both know it's fake.
Don't tell yourself that you're strong enough to stand on your own, when we both know you're just drowning deeper.
You can't stand on your own two feet right now and I am not strong enough to carry you on my own.
Give me your hand, show me that you still have that fighting spirit I've always adored.
I know it's still somewhere deep down.
Although it may seem like it's shattered, broken into pieces and crushed, we can still fix the broken pieces before it's too late.
All I need you to do is give me your hand, don't look back, and fight this battle.
I still have faith in you and I know this is not who you really are and beneath all the lies you try to build to shield yourself, this is not what you really want.
And I think you know that eventually, it is eating you from the inside, and consuming you.

Stop all this.
Give me your hand and I will not let go.
Come home with me.
We are not the whole wide world.

We are your friends.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

They say I am stupid.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like I am.
But tell me this.
Does trying to look pass other people's ugly side and trying to hide them somewhere so deep to the point you think you can run from it and lie to yourself over and over again worth it?
Is it so hard to just be nice to the people who has done nothing but try to be nice to you?
We just don't have the answer to everything, that, I know.
But sometimes I wish there was a switch that erases all the bad feelings, thoughts, vibes, whatever you call it.

p/s: I think I'm so stoned due to sleep deprivation I'll sleep the whole day tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Happy 20th Birthday Mastura Mat Yasim. <3

We are now officially 11 months and 2 weeks apart, age-wise.
We had fun. Helping Farid with the surprises, 20 balloons, 4 fishes, a cheese cake and a card and makan sampai hongeh at Pizza Hut. Cuba ikut jalan pintas sebab konon nak tepungkan yang lain, so the four of us, Mye, Shabs, Naz and I took a cab and tunggu tepi selekoh konon nak tepungkan smua orang. Tiba-tiba dtang segerombolan arab saying things like ' You are beautiful, I love you.' Errr. -.-

Lari2 tiba-tiba bila diorang smpai, tambah lagi sorang rupanya. Pakcik cycling a bicycle-like vehicle denagn rantai basikal as the handles, mcm mane entah and he wanted a handjob. And di sebabkan I desperately needed to go to the toilet but there wasn't one, I hid in a corner sbb tak larat nak lari dgn wedges lagi, unless nak memalukan diri sendiri dengan jatuh tergolek dan di langgar. Tiba-tiba pakcik tu came near, bukak seluar and nak mintak belas kasihan dengan menyedekahkan handjob. Thank you, but no thank you pak cik! He waited in front of the gate while the others were busy trying to get everyone covered with flour and mind you, there were boys there as well, bukan hanya kami perempuan2. And when we finally nak naik atas, ada hati nak ikut sekali. Dapat pulaakk. Had to shower at 2 in the morning. Dengan air sejuk.

Bangun2 sakit tekak, kepala berat and rasa nak demam. Ada hati lagi tu pergi jalan2 smpai bank, Etisalat Center lepas tu pusing balik and jalan all the way smpai Rumas. Nak buka puasa tgh jalan, tapi air dah kene rampas dengan perompak air depan Bahgat Samir. Pucat sorang2 tunggu makanan dengan air. Balik singgah salon dekat Tir'ah, kesian mak cik comel tu buat threading dapat dengan mak cik lagi sorang. Habis merah muka, siap menjerit-jerit kesakitan. Rasa mcm nak pat bahu dia and ckp, '' Sabarlah makcik, this is what you chose''. Pergi Venus, and potong rmbut pendek smpai bahu. So sekarang, tunggulah smpai dia panjang balik, siapa suruh potong kan?

p/s : tak sabar nak tunggu hari jumaat. :D

Monday, January 4, 2010

I know people usually post this on NYE or New Year itself, but hey, better late than never, right?
So here are my New Year's resolution. It ain't that great, but hey, at least I have some.

1. To have better control of my emotions and myself. This includes to be more patient, less judgmental, listen more and talk less, not be bothered by things that shouldn't be bothering me, be nicer to people, and when I say I'm gonna do something, I shall do it and not procrastinate.

2. To stop spending on things unworthy of my attention and that I could live without and still be happy. I will only buy something if it is on sale, or if I need it and only as a treat to myself after I have done something I should feel proud of and deserves to be treated. Or If I could not contain myself, I shall buy it as a gift to someone, to spread the love and what not. And that includes offering my food to those who need it more than I do and not run away, unless they are attacking me with brutal forces like the other day that beggar literally forced me to give her my money and when I didn't because I couldn't she pulled my hand so hard because she wanted my purse that it left a red mark for quite some time and when I managed to run, she swore that God would never ever help me again.

3. To do my laundry and clean up my room more often. I learnt that I should not not do my laundry untill the laundry basket is full and that I have nothing else to wear because you never know what's gonna happen and you don't want to go out with something that should have been washed a few days ago and no matter how hard I try to escape doing the laundry, I still have to do it. And for the room, you can't have all the world to yourself, so your room is basically your little world. And who wouldn't want their little world to be perfect?

4. To devote more of my time and energy to God. When everything in your world seems to fall out of place and you feel like basically you're alone, actually you're not. God is closer to you than you can ever imagine. And if there's someone, somewhere who would be with you all the time, He would. So, I will, because I believe that He has his plans and that with His guidance, Insya-Allah, things would work out, one way or another.

5. To talk to my family more often. My mom keeps telling me that I am not calling home, that I am spending my time more on Facebook, or more specifically Cafe World so I will call home or Skype with them more often and tell them all that's been happening and bore my mom with me whining about things only a few know, not to talk to my dad only when I need something, Ding can take more snapshots of me in my pajamas with my messy hair and indescribably horrible facial expressions and hear Erra talk in Kedah or if I'm lucky, see them wrestle each other in front of the webcam.

6. To see the good side in others. The world is not full of fairies and saints and neither is it populated by beasts and monsters. Everyone is human and has a good and bad side to them. We can't change someone, or expect them to change entirely to be someone you like because that's just it, we can't please everyone no matter how hard we try. So all you can do, is to look at the good side and not let the bad side cloud your judgement.

7. To have more faith in myself and believe that If I really want something and work hard enough for it, I will get it.