I will be on hiatus for quite some time.

I won't be writing anything. Will come online on Facebook once a day kot, tu pun maybe guna phone je. Will only be using my laptop when in dire need.

I will still be contact-able through my phone. Guaranteed.

Will be so because this is my once-in-a-lifetime chance to start over. I'm not giving this up and I'm gonna put my 150% in this. Tolong doakan I'm strong enough to make it through, dimudahkan segala urusan, dicukupkan semua keperluan, dijauhi dari fitnah dan aniaya orang dan takda masalah dengan siapa-siapa. InsyAllah.

Bye. I'm off to prove myself. I have a whole new world to unravel and a long road to travel.

Loves.

please help me come up with excuses.

So, remember when I said I'm gonna start running on the threadmill? Tak sempat lagi. Sighs. Got back from Ipoh at 2.30 in the morning, habis running around 3.30, nak tunggu peluh kering baru nak mandi, 4.30? Alamatnya tertidur dalam peluh lah aku. -_-

The next day Mommy and Ayah made all of us woke up at 10 to go to Banting, an annual family gathering, which quite frankly I wasn't really looking forward to. Nak kata punya lah tanak, smpai sarung baju kurung warna hitam tak gosok sampai Ayah tegur cakap bukan mcm orang nak pergi beraya, mcm orang berkabung! And Mom insisted that I wear something more ceria-ish. It was hot, but I got to meet a lot of people and in a way, it made me think of how grateful I am that I still have family. People who care and a place I can call home. Where they don't care if you drive a Mini Cooper or if you have a Gucci bag. All they know and care about is that you're family and you stick together by hook or by crook. And that made it all worthwhile.

And I think many were shocked to see me. Ramai yang tak kenal pun dah okay! Because I was wearing a hijab and dah kurus (dulu gemuk mcm mana eh? :| ) And Mom kept telling me that some of my cousins were looking for me. Abg Illyas. Him and I used to stay over at arwah Atok's place during the school holidays and work and since ada kitorang je, despite him being 17 and me 9, we spent a lot of time together. Ye lah, takkan nak ajak Atok pulak pergi jalan kaki pergi kedai beli ice cream Paddle Pop Rainbow tu petang-petang and duduk menghadap tv siang hari kan? So I was looking for him and masa nak salam tu, I remember someone staring at me and was smiling and masa hulur tangan nak salam, dia literally senyum semacam and pandang aku and I was like, errr, kenal ke? Dah masuk kereta baru ''mana satu Abg Illyas?'' true enough, it was him. So, Abg Illyas, selamat hari raya maaf zahir batin yeeee. hehe ;)

Dan hari ni sangat penat okayyy. Terbangun sbb ada phone call and lepas tu dah try nak tidur balik tak boleh. Elok aku landing atas lazy chair sambil tgok CSI ayah ckp ada orang nak datang, tolong pergi kedai beli nasi beriani. Nak di jadikan kisah, semua kedai Melayu tutup lagi and kedai mamak pun takda nasi beriani. Semua tengah mood nak makan lontong lagi agaknya. So dah habis pusing satu Prima Saujana tu, balik aku memasak yeee. Okay fine lah sayur goreng je pun, tapi nak set table and what not and kemas balik everything, lemah lutut jugak laaaah.

Then I went to Giant to get a hair dye and went to Sate Samuri to get sate since ada lagi 6 kereta nak datang malam tu. Sampai pukul 12 lah orang datang. Potong nasi impit dengan kek layer Sarawak sampai terkopek kulit tangan sendiri. Serious tak tipu. Lepas tu basuh segala pinggan mangkuk tok nenek smpai kecut kulit. Almaklumlah, orang takda maid kan. Baru ingat nak naik threadmill tapi takpe lah, lutut dah menggigil dari pukul 7 tak berhenti buat kerja. Hopefully dapat burn calories di situ ya tuan-tuan dan puan-puan.

Esok kena bangun pagi, mak book potong rambut pukul 10 pagi. Nak hantar kerata lagi cuci. I like to drive, but I hate washing the car. Wahai bakal suami, minta ampun lah ya. Nanti I hantar carwash seminggu sekali. Haha. Then an open house at 2. Tu lagi satu hal, berapa tahun ntah aku dah duduk Kajang ni, pergi Mines. Boleh tak ingat jalan nak pergi sana? Rasa nak tanam GPS dalam kepala ni, susah sangat nak ingat jalan. Then pergi KLCC. Oh yeaaaah :)

Ohh, and berkenaan tajuk post. I have a feeling I'll be going out more often now. How do I come up with excuses supaya parents kasi keluar dan tak emo?

And on another note, I'm tired of hinting my dad for a blackberry that I blurted it to him petang tadi.

M: Nanti Ayah belikan lah Azwa BlackBerry satu.

A: Nak buat apa?

M: Laah, nak guna lah.

A: It's meant for businessmen, not kids.

M: Most of my friends have it. And they're not businessmen.

A: Well, it's not meant for them either.

M: Still.....

A: Ingat murah ke nak *inserts a technology-related-word-I-don't-know*

M: Apebenda tu?

A: Itu pun tak tau, nak pakai BlackBerry.

M: Memang lah, mana nak tau.

A: Hmm, so tak payah lah. Banyak cantek.

So, yes. There is the answer to why I don't have a BlackBerry. :)

Aaaah, I've been literally gorging down food and ballooning up like there's no tomorrow. All the dieting and the thread mill runs at 1 in the morning at least once every two days just went down the drain. 2 days of raya and I feel like I've put on more weight than before.

Mana taknya, malam nak raya we had rendang and ketupat and I think that is the most addictive food ever so that night alone, I had like 5-6 servings. That is easily equivalent to 4 days' dinner.

The next morning, I had another 2-3 rounds in the morning and then in the afternoon when I went over to my aunt's house, I had another round of ketupat, rendang kerang and ayam goreng. I dare not count the calories here. :| Ah, and please don't forget, obviously tak minum air suam dah lah kan. Carbonated drinks and air manis all the way lah, kata pun raya. Tak sah raya kalau air-air mcm ni tak hidang at least 5 jug.

And then we left for Ipoh that night and sampai-sampai, Opah dah hidang nasi minyak with Rendang Tok and daging kurma.

In the morning, when we started going round to relatives' place, makan dah tak payah cakap okay. I ate at every house we went because kononnya, I wanted to be polite. Orang dah hidang, takkan tak makan kan? At least rasa sikit (?). So at the first house, we had nasi beriani and ayam masak merah. So was the second house, and yes, I ate again although menu sama. Why? Because it's Raya, dammit. -_- And then at the third house, we had laksa. I'm not really fond of laksa, so I ate cookies. Lots of them. And by the time we were at the fourth house, I just couldn't take the nasi lemak and kuey tiow sup anymore. If I did, I would have thrown up at that instance.

We went back sometime at 6 and after Maghrib, we had dinner. It was the usual nasi, udang, ketam and ikan feast. Then, I had mihun goreng. And lots and lots of durian for dessert. Oh lupa nak cakap, I had 2 servings of mihun goreng and cempedak goreng for breakfast. Oh my, just writing all of this down, makes me go, Oh man, what did I do to myself? Lepas ni jangan kan kata nak run 2 miles, nak jog 15 minutes pun dah semput and tak larat agaknya. :\

All in all, it was an emotional raya. It was the first without my Atok KL and some other relatives who passed away all sometime near raya. But I met up with a lot of cousins I haven't seen for years and we had so many rounds of cards, everyone was so worn up that everyone went to bed early. These 2 days were fun and I can't wait for shopping now that my purse isn't so empty anymore. But first off, I'll have to cut down all carbo and sugar intakes and start running on the threadmill. If I go shopping like this, I don't think I'll be able to find anything that fits me and my friends will have the scare of their life seeing how fat I am now. Happy shopping, spend all that duit raya wisely ;)

It's the time of the year again.

Makcik-makcik dan kakak-kakak sila gulung lengan baju dan start memasak serta buat kuih.

Abang-abang dan pakcik, angkat kain pelikat tolong budak-budak nyalakan bunga api/mercun. :D

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri! Minta maaf zahir dan batin dari hujung rambut smpai ke hujung kaki untuk semua khilaf sama ada yang sedar atau pun tidak.

Semoga Syawal kali ini dapat menjernihkan yang keruh dan merapatkan yang renggang. InsyaAllah. :)

Be safe and have fun!

If wishes were truly to be granted, I have a few I'd give anything just for it to come true.

I wish that everyone would come together and that there will be no more dramas, back-biting and hatred. Just a better place for everyone to live in.

I wish that I was stronger. So that I would care less and not be emotionally drained by the end of every day. Just so that I can face everyone day in and day out and not be crying deep down inside because lately that's what I have been doing. I think that it has been obvious enough that my world is falling apart and despite the obvious need for love and support, all I am getting is the opposite. I can feel myself pushing away from the ones I used to believe would always love me unconditionally. It's not something I'm proud of, but I feel like I have to protect my own comfort zone which is cracking under the pressure which each passing minute, myself.

I wish that I would find inner peace and be closer to God. I feel the longing of knowing that whatever happens has a reason and that He will be there for me all the time, even when the whole world is turning its back on me. I want to be able to cry every night and talk to Him like He is there right in front of me. My world is tumbling down and its wall are crushing me, please don't let go of me now. I beg You, for You are the only one who understands how I feel and can grant me the courage and strength I need.

I wish that my world would start falling to pieces again and be better than before.

Believe it or not, Facebook is a global-wide, nation-wide addiction.

Bila bangun pagi, first thing bukak : Facebook.

Sebelum tidur : Facebook.

Tengah bosan : Facebook.

Dalam class bila lecture bosan sikit : Facebook.

Sampai ada yang smbil buang air dlm toilet pun bukak Facebook. Kalau rumah ada wifi laptop boleh tarik masuk, tariikkkk. Kalau tak boleh, tercengot-cengot kat screen handphone smpai kepala terpusing-pusing pun boleeehhhh.

To a level that I feel people would do anything to be the ''it'' girl/boy on Facebook. Adding complete strangers just so that you would have the most amount of Facebook friends. Status dramas, controversional wall posts, hot hot photos on Facebook. You name it, we've seen it all.

But all in all, I think everyone would agree that deleting someone off Facebook would be the last straw of ending a relationship/friendship. A few days back, I deleted someone I used to be really close with because we haven't talked for monthsss, just because he now has a girlfriend and at one point, I chose to end it because to know that your bestfriend chooses a girl over you, that hurts. And I found out this morning that the girlfriend broke it off with him to rekindle an old flame with an ex. Sacrifise in the name of love worth it?

And last night, I found out that someone who was really close with me, deleted me off Facebook. Yes, we had our share of arguments but I really did feel like we worked it off before I got back and what she did truly left me in a state of shock. Yes, I was sad. I called up a few friends and asked people if I should add her back or if I should call her. I really did want to know what I did wrong.

But having gone through hell, this past few weeks, *no, I'm not exxagarating here, people, I really had gone through a lot for a 20-year-old*, I realised that a friend is not who you have commenting on your statuses everytime you post something, or one that is in the bff box on your facebook profile. Its the ones that come over to your place at 11 pm just because you're not okay. The ones willing to call you up for hours through Skype/ mobile just so you can cry and tell them what happened, how you feel and what your fears are and in return, they let you know that things are going to be fine and they remind you of the simple things in life that matters. The ones who writes you note and still believes in you even when your own family doesn't anymore.

Looking back, I definitely have taken a lot of my friends for granted. Most of the time, we forget that fun friends aren't always the good friends. I may not have children of the richest people in the country to be my friends. I don't have the sociallites as my friends either. Neither are the cool people who get to buy whatever they want and don't have to even work a day in their lifetime. But I'm truly happy that I have my circle of friends.

The feeling of knowing that they know they can text me at 4 in the morning just because they're sad and need to talk to someone or call me up because they found out something about their boyfriend/girlfriend or just went through a horrible breakup. Just the feeling of knowing that someone really cares about you and you feel the same way about them and that they trust you and they know that you'll always be there for each other no matter what the time or where in the world we are, that's my definition of what real friends are. No point if you have thousands of friends on Facebook and that you get hundreds of notifications every day, but in the end, you're alone and you just don't have that soft spot to fall on to. That, is sad.

So, shred away all the negativities and start cherishing the little things in life. That, dear good people, is what I will start doing now. Tak ada dah nak sakit hati dgn si polan ni, nak burukkan si polan tu. Nak jealous sbb si polan tu ada ni, si polan ni ada tu. It's truly a waste of energy and time. It's never too late to let positivity and happiness in your life.