Fu*k it maannnnnn, Pysio esok okay but still mcm apa je. This is the paper I'm most least prepared for. Not to say that I'm, boasting with confidence for other papers so far, but at least I wont be as empty-headed and as blur as this one. This is 3 thick books, which is equivalent to 6 whole, long chapters we're talking about and I need to score at least 75 marks to pass. Oh Lord, please be with me this time.

We went on a Firakh Masywi hunt this morning, Mye, Anis and me. That means grilled chicken. Who needs Kenny Roger's when it's all by the roadside? Pfft.

Sighs. Physiology oh Physiology. You make me wanna cry so hard and sit on my bed, with my earphones on, singing my lungs out to crappy, shitty songs.

This video is very cute, have been addicted to it ever since. :)

Exams itu sgt palat. Honestly. It makes people go bonkers, literally. Lagi-lagi kalau dpat exam mcm kitorang, 3 bulan. That's 3 months of hell, I'm telling you.

Anat 50-50%. Kalau lepas, aku tak tau nk ckp mcm mana bersyukurnya I will be. Biochem boleh buat, I honestly expect a pass, insyaAllah, Amin. Physio lagi 3 hari, tapi cover mcm tak cover je. Semoga Allah mudahkan segalanya and I really need to pass all four. My life is at stake. Literally.

I think exam's this year is really testing everyone emotionally. Everyone's breaking down, at one point or another. Tekanan emosi dan depresi ada di mana-mana di Mansoura. You can feel it on the streets, even. Hopefully we will all have the strength to make it through. God knows this is hard. All I want to do right now is just sit on my bed, watch reruns of downloaded low-quality movies on my laptop and eat ice cream straight from the tub.

I want to pass. I want to go home. I want to come back to Egypt in November for my life as a second year medical student. Amin, ya Rabb. Amin, Amin, Ya Rabb al-Alamin.

Sometimes, I go to bed thinking that I want to pass exams and I hug my pillow tight. I hope He listens to me. To us all. Because we are all fighting for our future.

After three whole days of me staying in bed, trying to run from sunlight and people and mustering the pieces of courage and hope left in me, we threw a surprise birthday party for Fat. We made our own triffle, macaroni with minced meat and egg sandwishes. The foods were awesome, we literally ate the whole night, till noon. It was food, face paint, taking pictures, food, a ghost movie, Facebook-ing, food and more food. It was nice, a night of taking our mind off things. :)

And to those who passed the Semester 4 Finals, Congratulations! And for those who didn't, don't worry, theres still the repeat paper. Work harder and don't give up and lose faith just yet. The rainbow will come at the end of the storm.

I thought I moved on, but clearly I haven't. What happens when you love someone just a little bit too much and even though you know you just can't be together in the end, but your heart still wants you to stay a little longer and fight?

I felt like a big part of me left when I found out.

There were just so many things I wanted to tell you but I didn't.

So many things we said we'd do but now won't happen.

So many things you did for me that I would never forget.

You would always be there. Just a phone call, or a text away.

You have our picture posted on your closet door and you promised me you would come visit me here.

I'm sorry for not spending enough time with you.

I'm sorry I did not call or text you more often.

I'm sorry you got worried about me.

And I'm sorry I couldn't see you and kiss you for the last time.

But I got the last text you sent me. And it truly meant a lot to me.

And I love you too, Atok. Very much. And I will miss you even more than you think I'll do.

Rest in peace, Atok.

Oh Tuhanku, tempatkan lah dia dalam kalangan orang-orang yang beriman dan cucuri rahmat dan keampunan keatasnya.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.

Exam starts in 2 days. To say that I didn't study at all and that I am going into the exam hall with absolutely nothing in my head, and by nothing I mean not even knowing what the question's gonna be like would be a lie. That was a year ago.

But to say that I've covered every single page and memorised every single line would be a lie, too.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan Ku, aku mohon padaMu Ya Allah, kurniakan lah kejayaan buat aku dan kawan-kawan ku. Hanya Kau sahaja yang tahu betapa pentingnya peperiksaan kali ni buat kami semua, dan aku sendiri. Inilah penentu segalanya Ya Allah. Kau murahkanlah rezeki kami, bukakan pintu rezeki kami dan turunkan syafaat mu Ya Rabb. Aku merayu kepadamu Tuhanku, kurniakan lah kami kejayaan dalam peperiksaan ini Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang. Ameen Ya Rabb al-Alamin.

I feel the pressure to pass.

I feel the pressure to score.

I feel the pressure to go back home.

I feel the pressure to be skinny and pretty.

I feel the pressure of having to please the people around me.

I can feel eyes waiting for me to fail looking straight at me.

I know I have to be strong, not only for the sake of myself, but also others.

I know my mood swings and me trying to isolate myslef from the rest are hurting many and I thank and apologise for having to put up with me at this point.

I am inches away from breaking down. From letting go of all that I have worked for. 

No, I am not okay. Physically, emotionally. Drained. I'm not being a drama queen. And I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm writing this down because I need to voice this out. I can't hold it in anymore. Don't tell me to suck this all in and keep my composure. Am not even going to pretend I'm okay.

I want to go home. I need my mom and dad. I want to lie in my bed at home. I'm not okay. Not now.

Hadis riwayat Abu Hurairah :

''Bahwa Rasulullah saw. bersabda: Bukanlah orang kuat itu dengan menang bergulat, tetapi orang yang kuat ialah orang yang dapat menguasai dirinya ketika marah.''

Betul, sabar itu separuh daripada iman. Betul, orang yang sabar adalah orang yang kuat. Tapi bukan kah semua benda ada tahap nya? Ada satu tahap, selembut-lembut orang pun boleh melenting. Selagi mana kita boleh bersabar, okay. Tarik nafas dalam-dalam, istighfar, distractkan diri sendiri. Baring, main internet, apa-apa yang boleh menenangkan diri sendiri. Tapi jangan push limit tu, takut benda yang tak sepatutnya keluar dari mulut. Terlajak perahu boleh di undur, terlajak kata buruk padahnya. Nauzubillah.

''None of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brothers what he wishes for himself.''

Related by Bukhari and Muslim. May Allah save our brothers and sisters. Amin.